Intimacy

Bob: I enjoy what I'm doing these days, as far as work. And I think it's probably a very healthy place to be at this time to not have a whole lot of time to think for myself, because I haven't wanted to be caught up in some of the emotional issues that seem to arise about some of the hopes and expectations I've had in my life regarding relationships and just what I've wanted to accomplish and what I've wanted to be. 

I recognize another part, that I've certainly busied myself so that I wouldn't drown in my sorrows or negative feelings. But I also recognize that there's a part of me that's become very detached and I've been more concerned about that lately, that I tend to be surfacy (superficial), not just with strangers, but with friends. I recognize that I've had a harder time just looking people in the eye, being sincere and talking about personal things.

I think there's a part of me that's afraid if I bring myself into that level of intimacy with my friends and family and such, that perhaps some of this sadness and maybe sense of loss will just come washing over me. I'm afraid that I'm closing my heart off again like I did many years ago, which I've recently opened up in the last few years to people; and I think nothing scares me more than becoming what I used to be. While everybody tended to love me and think I was a great guy, I was tortured inside for not being real and not being expressive of who I was. So I guess I'm afraid of losing a piece of myself and I don't know how to get it back. I feel like I'm lost a little bit in that area. And maybe I'm out of touch with my emotions a little bit and I don't like the person that I am when I'm that way. There are several aspects of my life that I think that I've grown and developed in, but I don't want to revert back and I don't know what to do. So I guess I'm asking for some guidance or insight as to how to remain open, personal and relating with people rather than just going through the motions and saying the right things, smiling and covering up that internal pain and suffering that I don't want to deal with inside. If you have any insight into that I would greatly appreciate it.

Minearisa:  My dear friend, you have indeed come full circle on that spiral staircase to that same issue you bumped up against years ago. But you are not the same person at all. Can you stop, sit down, and look
back and appreciate how much growth you have accumulated since the last time you faced this particular fear?

Bob: Oh, certainly, I can see all sorts of growth. What I see is a person that's afraid to be real again.

Minearisa: Can you identify the root of this fear? What is the worst that could happen if you are real?

Bob: I think it's just the rejection, the feeling of rejection inside. It's much easier to be surfacy because then if you're rejected it doesn't mean so much because it isn't really who I am. It's being rejected with what
I really feel inside that probably kills me more than anything; and so I tend when I face those rejections to begin to put on a persona that I don't have to be as real and to get out of myself.

Daniel: Your childhood heritage remains with you, as it does with any individual. It is a major issue of your childhood in terms of you survival. You chose the path of peacemaker, of mollifier, of pacifier as a child, which was understandable, and somewhat effective. But during this period you had to mask your real feelings; you had to protect yourself by looking for all the cues that would give you the information as to how to respond. You were a skillful player in the family drama that life put at your doorstep. This skill has been of great value to you. You have charmed your way through much of your life and you have been successful often. Your task as an adult is to put aside childish ways and to look more at the truth of who you are.

Minearisa has said, you have come full circle on the spiral staircase, but you are at a different level, you are not down at the bottom, you are quite a bit higher. Try to distinguish the feelings from the past in the realities of the present, so that your perspective may be more accurate and more comforting. I wish you to understand that surfacy behavior has adaptive components and is somewhat necessary at times, given a certain situation. You must provide yourself with the needed nourishment of the soul, in the intimacy of your relationship with your Indwelling Spirit and the sincere interaction with your trusted brothers and sisters. It's possible to be overly focused on introspective aspects. Sometimes you take yourself too seriously. My suggestion is that you maintain your bonds with your true friends and be at peace with yourself. Dip deeply into the well of the waters of life, my friend, continue to find your greatest
comfort in that greatest and best friend within.