Listening

WISDOM CLASSIFICATION SYSTEM 

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SOURCE: This row is used for recording useful information about the source of the wisdom entry.

Ham: This lesson is about listening and absorbing what another communicates to you.

You all have a filtering mechanism that categorizes everything you read, or are told in terms of what you already have read or been told. If, for example, someone says "I love you" and then betrays that love in whatever manner, every time you hear "I love you" this is categorized in a way that says be careful, there might be something behind it. You have all been betrayed or hurt or double crossed in various ways, and it is difficult to not bring that to your new experience and to not hear things clearly and to not cloud your comprehension and react to the new person the way you would react to the old person who said the same thing.

So, how do you wipe the slate clean and come to each new encounter with freshness and openness and without bitterness or a distrustful attitude? Once again, the answer lies within and especially with self-forgiveness. Everyone who is betrayed blames themselves in some manner. Everyone has old feelings of low self-worth that is an integral part of self-condemnation for circumstances that are not your fault. Part of you says, "this time, this is not going to happen to me", but that old self-condemnation is still there and still attracting negativity unconsciously.

I say that these feelings of inner self-resentment and low self-worth are very deep and stem from earliest childhood. When very young children experience a betrayal of love, this is always carried through into adulthood and that betrayal is expected and repeated over and over again. The child feels unworthy of stable love and the entire universe seems undependable and so fears and resentments build up inside and the adult becomes cynical and always has the attitude that nothing is what is seems.

Think back in your childhood, let the memories come. When was the first time that you felt betrayed? Take a few moments and think. You may have very strong memories. Now, when you have centered on a memory, see yourself as a child and say to your child self with sincerity, "I forgive you, this isn't your fault".

Feel again the child's confusion and again take it into your heart that this isn't your fault, that you were a good child, that you were full of love, and now feel the child be comforted, feel the comfort. Now bring the child into your body, merging with the child, the child is growing up, the child is older now, there are other conflicts, situations, that have grown out of that earlier experience. Forgive yourself for each one, as you are growing up, getting older. All those experiences where you were hurt or hurt others, forgive yourself, let it go, keep moving on. Now you are in the present time, feel a new forgiveness coming into your heart, forgiving yourself for all the confusion and self-doubt and low self-worth that is in your life right now. In your minds eye, see a pane of glass and this glass is representing your filtering mechanism. Picture yourself cleaning the glass so that all the old soot and dirt and finger prints are being cleaned away. Now when you look through the glass, you are not seeing yourself reflected back. Now when you look through the glass, you see your brother, your sister, you see them clearly. The old suspicions, and doubts are falling away and you are seeing each person for who they are right now and you are receiving what that person is telling you
without distortion.

So much of the pain in your lives is about betrayals that never happened. So many of the wrong steps are from fear, fear that another person has some ulterior motive and so you are making counter moves to something that hasn't happened yet. Now, each time when you are looking at a situation or a person, think to yourself, is my glass clear? Am I seeing myself, am I seeing my past, or am I perceiving this clearly?  Though you may never know the complete answer to these questions, it is the asking of it that is important.

Question: We need to rid ourselves of self-condemnation and of the expectations that others are going to hurt us and harm us and then we can hear and listen clearly?

Ham: I would say the importance is on forgiveness, self-forgiveness, and when you have truly become self-forgiving, and self-aware, you can begin to perceive others in circumstances as they really are without
projecting your own unfortunate experiences of the past onto new experiences.

Question: Why is it until we are free of this that we seem to require that this happen to us again an again. It must be something more than it is just familiar?

Ham: Yes, much of life is about forgiveness, learning the lessons of forgiveness, because these lessons are crucial and essential to spiritual growth and becoming.

Question: Are you saying that there is an unconscious need to keep doing this until we get it right?

Ham: Yes. The thought adjuster will unfailingly bring you to confront experiences which holds lessons of forgiveness and self-forgiveness.

Question: How would you explain the child's tendency to make the mistake of blaming itself for betrayals, is it somehow related to a child's magical thinking that they are God-like.

Ham: The center of the universe, Yes.

Question: Does that change when the Though Adjuster arrives?  Do some of these memories happen before the thought adjuster arrives?  Does that have an effect?

Ham: No, the Thought Adjuster's arrival does not change the child's initial ego development as center cause and effect of all things.

Question: From my symptomatic behavior I know I must have one, can you help me with that?

Ham: No, that you are aware of something happening, some first tear in the fabric of the child thinking of itself as God. These things are not necessarily earth shaking. Not even thought of as betrayals to an adult or to the adults involved or to yourselves a adults. Usually simple things, "mommy you said we were going to the park and now we are not going, how could this happen"?

Question: We hear so much about repressing memories, and if there has been a painful memory that is repressed maybe a technique for accessing that?

Ham: These memories will come up when you are ready to handle them. I don't advocate aggressively seeking out painful memories. Just let them come when they do and when you are ready. Trust the Thought Adjuster to help you with these things. He ultimately has control over your memories and will allow you to experience memories when he is fully satisfied that you are ready to experience them.

Human beings tend to be disappointed when the real purpose doesn't coincide with their own purposes. Therefore, keep in mind that all of your experience, everything good and bad, has had a deep and lasting influence and therefore a purpose. What you are seeking, you will find. Therefore, seek after the highest things. 

Question: It seems like this is automatic, almost guaranteed that a child will end up feeling mistreated. What is the reason it is this way? Are we subjected to injustice to learn justice, unfairness to learn fairness, unkindness to learn kindness?

Ham: Yes, certainly.

Question: You once said that all of my life up to now had been in accordance with the Father's will. Could that be said about anybody or everybody?

Ham: For the ultimate questions, the answer is yes, but of course in specific instances the answer is no. Is it God's will that there should be hatred between people, no. But, is it His will that hatred should be a possibility for human choosing, yes.

Question: Should we work harder on this self-improvement thing, is this a daily chore?

Ham: I wouldn't call it a chore, but rather a privilege, a journey, an adventure, but not a chore.

When you have reached a splitting of your path and there is a big decision that you are needing to make about who you are and who you want to be. It is this decision that will determine who is brought to you. The big decisions are always inside, internal. Then the outer world gradually changes in accordance with the inner decision.

Consider the levels at which we listen to one another. At the first level, we may be pretending to listen... without really hearing anything at all. Second, we sometimes engage in selective listening, filtering carefully what is being spoken to fit our own perspective. Most of the time, however there is some quality of attentive listening, where we more or less focus on the words being spoken, intellectually but not emotionally. Attentive listening facilitates a response, but not a response involving any “depth of recognition.” Attentive listening is usually focused more on our prepared response and its articulation than what is being spoken. We are poorly trained in our capacity to listen. Jesus could hear people so well, because he cared so much about them as individuals. Such compassion was directly related to his unbroken communion with God and his genuine regard for every person.

The most sophisticated level of listening is empathic listening, evoking a quality of deep compassion for the speaker. Empathic listening is not attentive listening or “reflective” listening, which is a technique for hearing the words and being able to reflect those words back. Empathic listening involves a high degree of emotional intelligence and draws upon our capacity both to “mourn” and to be “merciful.” Empathic listening involves a deep emotional connection between the speaker and listener at the level of the heart.

Francis de Sales says: “only the heart can hear another heart.”

Empathic listening enables the listener to get inside the other person’s frame of reference both at the level of the intellect and at the level of the heart. You literally connect at a feeling level with the speaker. Jesus was a master of such listening, as was Mary of Bethany, who sat at Jesus’ feet drinking in every word of divine wisdom.

In an interesting passage, it says that Jesus “taught pure sympathy, compassion.” (Urantia Book 140:8.11) Pure sympathy might be a good definition for empathy. We have now differentiated between empathy and sympathy to get to a deeper appreciation of the level of connection that is possible between people.

Sympathy usually involves a form of judgment. Empathy does not; it is non-judgmental. Sympathy usually implies some level of condescension in the judgment. Empathy carries no such meaning. Sympathy is sometimes appropriate, for instance, with a child. The essence of empathy is that you seek to understand the other, without judgment. Empathy does not necessarily lead to agreement; it does lead to deep, full-hearted understanding, emotionally as well as intellectually. Empathy involves so much more than registering, reflecting and intellectual understanding. Importantly, with empathic listening one learns to listen with the heart.

We have learned through studies in neuroscience, that the heart is much more than merely a blood pumping organ. With over 40,000 neurons, neurotransmitters, a magnetic field far greater than the brain, and a direct connection to the brain, the vagus nerve, the heart is an organ of intelligence.

As we are gaining understanding and an appreciation into the nature of this organ of intelligence, we begin to appreciate Jesus’ request that we love God, not only with our mind, but also with our heart, and our body, and our soul. Each level is distinct, yet connected to the other areas.